EXHIBIT A: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN WIP
Jul. 18th, 2006 03:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sub_dividedA million years ago I asked whether anyone would be willing to beta-read a certain Twelve Kingdoms WIP (if I ever managed to finish it). Since then I 've realized that beta-reading runs counter to my fanfic-writing M.O.[1].
EXHIBIT A: THIS POST.
[1] shoddy editing and instant gratification XD
***
So basically I finally saw PotC2 and: eh. It wasn't that good. Some of the jokes try too hard. For instance there are a few scenes where Jack goes into his "but if you say that I say that you said that I said" routine even though what's just been said was not that complicated. As far as I can tell the only reason he does this is that it was funny in the first movie -_-;;.
Really this is a sign that I shouldn't watch non-serious movies with my family ahaha. It always puts me in hypercritical mode. My brother and I agree that the action scenes are wonderful, as funny as King Kong's! Or actually, funnier, because you're supposed to laugh at how over-the-top ridiculous they are. My mother and I agree that there's not enough Jack (only his scenes are worth watching). My father and I agree that wherever this movie is set, it is definitely not the Caribbean.
Spoiler, highlight to read: If Jack was using a magic compass that pointed the way toward whatever he desired, does this mean that his success as a pirate was mostly due to the compass? Because it pointed the way to nice, easy ships with big, fat cargoes? I mean, Jack is extremely lucky and a somewhat inventive, and good at talking his way out of things. But other than that and okay, some personal charisma, he doesn't seem like much of a captain to me.
On the other hand now I have ideas for PotC fanfiction. =_= WHY.
(Sailing back from the far ends of the earth, our heroes are attacked by pirates! In the South China Sea, no one has heard of the legendary Captain Jack Sparrow or his infamous black-sailed ship. The attack is unexpected but the result seems forgone: against the Pearl's superior guns and armor, the Chinese junk, held together practically by luck, seems on the verge of surrender despite having had the advantage of surprise. However, in confusion of battle Jack is kidnapped and held at sword point.
The south sea pirates are looking for ransom. They attempt to bargain, first in Cantonese, then Portugese, then Vietnamese French. Unfortunately only Norrington, tied up on the main deck, speaks coherent French (Elizabeth didn't pay enough attention to her tutors). Due to a misunderstanding -- namely, the new pirates wrongfully assume that the Pearl's crew is willing to pay to get Jack back -- negotiations break down and the Pearl flees into the fog.
Jack turns to his erstwhile captors, who in their amazement have forgotten to keep the sword pointed at his throat. "Ooga Booga?" he ventures.
"What you think we are?" the other captain replies. "We are no savages. Not like some people, don't pay one tiny chest of gold for precious captain."
And then later there'd be exchanges like:
ELIZABETH: You were willing to sail halfway across the world for Jack, but now that you're here you won't part with one chest of gold to rescue him?
GIBB: Well, see, your ladyship, it's like this. Sailing across the world only meant riskin' our lives. But giving up our treasure, that's something else entirely.
ELIZABETH: *snort* Pirates.
GIBBS: Aye, we are at that.
And then I imagine the rest would have been about how Jack amuses his captors with endless randomosity and nearly successful escape attempts XD)
...bloody hell.
Title: Ransom
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Spoilers: for Dead Man's Chest (I AM COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, THE SPOILERS ARE MASSIVE)
Note: If I had the self-control of a fruitbat, I would not be posting this right now.
"I don't mean to sound ungrateful in light of my propitious rescue from the land of the recently deceased," Captain Jack Sparrow said. "But why is he still here?"
"'Tis good to see you too, Jack," former Captain Barbossa said. Pipe clamped between his lips, he absently patted the pockets of his overcoat. "Happily yer time in the underworld seems not to have altered yer charmin' personality. Ah, thank you" -- this last part addressed to the bearded crewman who'd interposed to offer him a match. Lighting his pipe, he puffed away with every sign of good cheer. The crewman grinned toothily and bowed (the flourished bow of the Arabs, not the functional bow of the Chinese in whose waters they were currently sailing. Like many of the present crew, they'd picked him up in Cape Town).
"I could say the same to you," Jack said peevishly.
"That is, I could say the same, but it would be a shame. There are parts of your personality we'd all be better off without. For example, the traitorous mutineering part."
"Jack, Jack. The Black Pearl rests at the bottom o' the sea, God bless her. I have no designs on yer present vessel, handsome though she is."
"Currently."
"Aye, currently. What do you want from me, an oath in blood? Would that satisfy you?"
Jack gave the matter serious thought. To his left, William and Elizabeth held their breaths. Compared to all of the horrors they'd faced to bring Jack back from the dead, this was the moment they been dreading the most. Behind them, the rest of the crew had given up any pretense at work and was listening in shamelessly.
"What're those two goin' on about?" one of the new hands whispered, not particularly quietly. "Weren't Barbosa the captain we signed on with?" His neighbors elbowed him into silence.
"That depends," Jack said at last.
"On what?"
"On how much blood you're offering," he said, and reached for his sword.
Mayhem. A dozen crewmen jumped to defend Barbosa, pistols cocked and swords drawn; another dozen raced for Jack's side; the majority scrambled out of the way and into the rigging, looking for the best spot from which to observe the carnage. Elizabeth ran between the two, holding out her hands in a placating gesture, while Will succeeded in wresting the sword from Jack's grip (to his credit, he didn't struggle very hard to hold on to it).
In the background, Barbossa only smiled, and continued to smoke his pipe.
***
Since then, affairs aboard The Black Pearl II had settled somewhat. Barbossa, true to his word, made no move to seize the captainship. In fact he was remarkably well behaved, keeping his own counsel and only venturing an opinion when asked. Jack, for his part, didn't ask. He continued to regard Barbossa with a suspicion that was half paranoia, half superstition -- but he was nearly the only one, as after a few months even Gibbs had been convinced of the former captain's willingness to play nice.
Jack avoided Barbossa, Barbossa was content to be avoided, and life for those aboard the ship proceeded satisfactorily. In fact, some might even say it proceeded better than that -- under Jack's brilliantly unorthodox leadership they'd managed take on a few insufficiently armed merchant vessels, which was all the proof the crew needed that things were going well. (It's to ensure enough for a comfortable journey home, Jack explained to Will. Besides, after coming all this way, wouldn't it be a shame to go home empty-handed? Look how happy it makes the men. Will had to concede, they did look happy, and at this juncture it would have been very unwise for them to be otherwise. Exactly, Jack said, and went back to estimating the price of a very pretty set of China plates).
A nice situation, but it couldn't last.
***
"This is all very nice," Elizabeth said, from her place at the rail. "In a criminal sort of way. But shouldn't we have set sail for the Caribbean by now? Jack?"
Jack looked up from the enormous ruby ring he'd been examining. Their last target had been an East India frigate out of Calcutta. "...one more ship," he said. .
"Is that like 'one more drink?'"
"Four is an unlucky number," Jack argued. "Five is much nicer."
Elizabeth snorted. "That is the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard."
"You must not have been keeping very interesting company, then."
Looking around for support, Elizabeth's eyes fell on Norrington, tied hand and foot to the main mast. Norrington stared back challengingly, the effect somewhat ruined by his obvious helplessness. A crewman swabbing the deck gave his (by now extremely sorry-looking) trousers affectionate swipe with the mop as he walked past. Norrington sputtered at little, but didn't break eye-contact.
"I'm beginning to feel sorry for him," she said, to no one in particular. If he'd looked down on his luck before, at least he'd been drier. They'd been leaving him out during the tropical rains.
"It's his own fault," Gibbs put in. Because of the heat, he'd taken to balancing the ship's books on deck when the weather was fair. Between the light breeze and the shadow of the captain's cabin, it was several degrees cooler than his berth below deck. "Who asked him to chase us halfway 'round the world?"
"....the East India Company?"
"That may be, but then who asked him to take it so hard when we captured him? He's not said a word since we brought him on. The way he's been actin', you'd think he regretted our rescuing him from that mob of angry natives."
Norrington's glare very clearly said that he did.
"It's sheer ingratitude, that's what it is."
Will swung down from where he'd been checking the knots on the lower sail, a very neat maneuver. "It is difficult to be grateful when a prisoner, especially so undignified a prisoner as we have made him. Commodore Norrington is a reasonable man, perhaps it would be better if we secured some kind of oath, or-"
Jack and Elizabeth shared an alarmed look. There was no stopping Will once he'd gotten it into his head to Do the Right Thing.
"No, it's better this way," Elizabeth said hastily. "Untying him would be idioti-"
"What your betrothed is trying to say," Jack said, surreptitiously lifting his boot from where he'd stepped -- gently, of course -- on Elizabeth's toes, "is that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Because..."
"Because it would create an intolerable pressure on the commodore," Elizabeth said. "After all, he has sworn to deliver Jack into the King's justice. Were we to untie him, he would undoubtedly feel compelled to carry out his duty, and if so-"
"We'd have to kill him," Jack finished. "No choice, really. Better all around that he stays where he is."
"I see," Will said.
Elizabeth and Jack sighed in relief.
"Naturally, this would have nothing to do with the hundred-pound ransom routinely authorized for the safe return of officers in His Majesty's service."
"What ransom?" Elizabeth said, spinning indignantly toward Jack -- but prudently, Jack had already retreated across the deck to where Gibbs was working leisurely at the books.
"A minor consideration only," he said. "Hardly worth mentioning."
***
...as I said, a nice situation.
But too good to last.
***
...that's more than enough of that. This was supposed to be a parody! It wasn't supposed to go into the details! I haven't even gotten to the part in the summary yet!
But just in case, does anyone know a good Cantonese phrase for "those who stay behind, are left behind"?
EXHIBIT A: THIS POST.
[1] shoddy editing and instant gratification XD
***
So basically I finally saw PotC2 and: eh. It wasn't that good. Some of the jokes try too hard. For instance there are a few scenes where Jack goes into his "but if you say that I say that you said that I said" routine even though what's just been said was not that complicated. As far as I can tell the only reason he does this is that it was funny in the first movie -_-;;.
Really this is a sign that I shouldn't watch non-serious movies with my family ahaha. It always puts me in hypercritical mode. My brother and I agree that the action scenes are wonderful, as funny as King Kong's! Or actually, funnier, because you're supposed to laugh at how over-the-top ridiculous they are. My mother and I agree that there's not enough Jack (only his scenes are worth watching). My father and I agree that wherever this movie is set, it is definitely not the Caribbean.
Spoiler, highlight to read: If Jack was using a magic compass that pointed the way toward whatever he desired, does this mean that his success as a pirate was mostly due to the compass? Because it pointed the way to nice, easy ships with big, fat cargoes? I mean, Jack is extremely lucky and a somewhat inventive, and good at talking his way out of things. But other than that and okay, some personal charisma, he doesn't seem like much of a captain to me.
On the other hand now I have ideas for PotC fanfiction. =_= WHY.
(Sailing back from the far ends of the earth, our heroes are attacked by pirates! In the South China Sea, no one has heard of the legendary Captain Jack Sparrow or his infamous black-sailed ship. The attack is unexpected but the result seems forgone: against the Pearl's superior guns and armor, the Chinese junk, held together practically by luck, seems on the verge of surrender despite having had the advantage of surprise. However, in confusion of battle Jack is kidnapped and held at sword point.
The south sea pirates are looking for ransom. They attempt to bargain, first in Cantonese, then Portugese, then Vietnamese French. Unfortunately only Norrington, tied up on the main deck, speaks coherent French (Elizabeth didn't pay enough attention to her tutors). Due to a misunderstanding -- namely, the new pirates wrongfully assume that the Pearl's crew is willing to pay to get Jack back -- negotiations break down and the Pearl flees into the fog.
Jack turns to his erstwhile captors, who in their amazement have forgotten to keep the sword pointed at his throat. "Ooga Booga?" he ventures.
"What you think we are?" the other captain replies. "We are no savages. Not like some people, don't pay one tiny chest of gold for precious captain."
And then later there'd be exchanges like:
ELIZABETH: You were willing to sail halfway across the world for Jack, but now that you're here you won't part with one chest of gold to rescue him?
GIBB: Well, see, your ladyship, it's like this. Sailing across the world only meant riskin' our lives. But giving up our treasure, that's something else entirely.
ELIZABETH: *snort* Pirates.
GIBBS: Aye, we are at that.
And then I imagine the rest would have been about how Jack amuses his captors with endless randomosity and nearly successful escape attempts XD)
...bloody hell.
Title: Ransom
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Spoilers: for Dead Man's Chest (I AM COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, THE SPOILERS ARE MASSIVE)
Note: If I had the self-control of a fruitbat, I would not be posting this right now.
"I don't mean to sound ungrateful in light of my propitious rescue from the land of the recently deceased," Captain Jack Sparrow said. "But why is he still here?"
"'Tis good to see you too, Jack," former Captain Barbossa said. Pipe clamped between his lips, he absently patted the pockets of his overcoat. "Happily yer time in the underworld seems not to have altered yer charmin' personality. Ah, thank you" -- this last part addressed to the bearded crewman who'd interposed to offer him a match. Lighting his pipe, he puffed away with every sign of good cheer. The crewman grinned toothily and bowed (the flourished bow of the Arabs, not the functional bow of the Chinese in whose waters they were currently sailing. Like many of the present crew, they'd picked him up in Cape Town).
"I could say the same to you," Jack said peevishly.
"That is, I could say the same, but it would be a shame. There are parts of your personality we'd all be better off without. For example, the traitorous mutineering part."
"Jack, Jack. The Black Pearl rests at the bottom o' the sea, God bless her. I have no designs on yer present vessel, handsome though she is."
"Currently."
"Aye, currently. What do you want from me, an oath in blood? Would that satisfy you?"
Jack gave the matter serious thought. To his left, William and Elizabeth held their breaths. Compared to all of the horrors they'd faced to bring Jack back from the dead, this was the moment they been dreading the most. Behind them, the rest of the crew had given up any pretense at work and was listening in shamelessly.
"What're those two goin' on about?" one of the new hands whispered, not particularly quietly. "Weren't Barbosa the captain we signed on with?" His neighbors elbowed him into silence.
"That depends," Jack said at last.
"On what?"
"On how much blood you're offering," he said, and reached for his sword.
Mayhem. A dozen crewmen jumped to defend Barbosa, pistols cocked and swords drawn; another dozen raced for Jack's side; the majority scrambled out of the way and into the rigging, looking for the best spot from which to observe the carnage. Elizabeth ran between the two, holding out her hands in a placating gesture, while Will succeeded in wresting the sword from Jack's grip (to his credit, he didn't struggle very hard to hold on to it).
In the background, Barbossa only smiled, and continued to smoke his pipe.
***
Since then, affairs aboard The Black Pearl II had settled somewhat. Barbossa, true to his word, made no move to seize the captainship. In fact he was remarkably well behaved, keeping his own counsel and only venturing an opinion when asked. Jack, for his part, didn't ask. He continued to regard Barbossa with a suspicion that was half paranoia, half superstition -- but he was nearly the only one, as after a few months even Gibbs had been convinced of the former captain's willingness to play nice.
Jack avoided Barbossa, Barbossa was content to be avoided, and life for those aboard the ship proceeded satisfactorily. In fact, some might even say it proceeded better than that -- under Jack's brilliantly unorthodox leadership they'd managed take on a few insufficiently armed merchant vessels, which was all the proof the crew needed that things were going well. (It's to ensure enough for a comfortable journey home, Jack explained to Will. Besides, after coming all this way, wouldn't it be a shame to go home empty-handed? Look how happy it makes the men. Will had to concede, they did look happy, and at this juncture it would have been very unwise for them to be otherwise. Exactly, Jack said, and went back to estimating the price of a very pretty set of China plates).
A nice situation, but it couldn't last.
***
"This is all very nice," Elizabeth said, from her place at the rail. "In a criminal sort of way. But shouldn't we have set sail for the Caribbean by now? Jack?"
Jack looked up from the enormous ruby ring he'd been examining. Their last target had been an East India frigate out of Calcutta. "...one more ship," he said. .
"Is that like 'one more drink?'"
"Four is an unlucky number," Jack argued. "Five is much nicer."
Elizabeth snorted. "That is the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard."
"You must not have been keeping very interesting company, then."
Looking around for support, Elizabeth's eyes fell on Norrington, tied hand and foot to the main mast. Norrington stared back challengingly, the effect somewhat ruined by his obvious helplessness. A crewman swabbing the deck gave his (by now extremely sorry-looking) trousers affectionate swipe with the mop as he walked past. Norrington sputtered at little, but didn't break eye-contact.
"I'm beginning to feel sorry for him," she said, to no one in particular. If he'd looked down on his luck before, at least he'd been drier. They'd been leaving him out during the tropical rains.
"It's his own fault," Gibbs put in. Because of the heat, he'd taken to balancing the ship's books on deck when the weather was fair. Between the light breeze and the shadow of the captain's cabin, it was several degrees cooler than his berth below deck. "Who asked him to chase us halfway 'round the world?"
"....the East India Company?"
"That may be, but then who asked him to take it so hard when we captured him? He's not said a word since we brought him on. The way he's been actin', you'd think he regretted our rescuing him from that mob of angry natives."
Norrington's glare very clearly said that he did.
"It's sheer ingratitude, that's what it is."
Will swung down from where he'd been checking the knots on the lower sail, a very neat maneuver. "It is difficult to be grateful when a prisoner, especially so undignified a prisoner as we have made him. Commodore Norrington is a reasonable man, perhaps it would be better if we secured some kind of oath, or-"
Jack and Elizabeth shared an alarmed look. There was no stopping Will once he'd gotten it into his head to Do the Right Thing.
"No, it's better this way," Elizabeth said hastily. "Untying him would be idioti-"
"What your betrothed is trying to say," Jack said, surreptitiously lifting his boot from where he'd stepped -- gently, of course -- on Elizabeth's toes, "is that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Because..."
"Because it would create an intolerable pressure on the commodore," Elizabeth said. "After all, he has sworn to deliver Jack into the King's justice. Were we to untie him, he would undoubtedly feel compelled to carry out his duty, and if so-"
"We'd have to kill him," Jack finished. "No choice, really. Better all around that he stays where he is."
"I see," Will said.
Elizabeth and Jack sighed in relief.
"Naturally, this would have nothing to do with the hundred-pound ransom routinely authorized for the safe return of officers in His Majesty's service."
"What ransom?" Elizabeth said, spinning indignantly toward Jack -- but prudently, Jack had already retreated across the deck to where Gibbs was working leisurely at the books.
"A minor consideration only," he said. "Hardly worth mentioning."
***
...as I said, a nice situation.
But too good to last.
***
...that's more than enough of that. This was supposed to be a parody! It wasn't supposed to go into the details! I haven't even gotten to the part in the summary yet!